Sex Is Never Casual

Predators and Prey

Of all the fun facts that I've learned perusing Reddit over the years, one that I'm likely to remember forever is the fact that hyenas often eat their prey ass first and they often start eating their prey this way before the prey is even dead. They do this because the anus and surrounding genitalia are the softest, most vulnerable, and easiest parts of their prey to attack.

Sexual predators are so universally detested for a similar reason—they prey on vulnerable members of our society by targeting the most vulnerable parts of their bodies. And much like hyenas, they have no concern about how their attacks will affect those that they prey on. But unlike the prey that hyenas hunt, human beings have a deep capacity to record, retain, and be deeply affected by trauma—and this is precisely why we're all so hyper-vigilant about keeping predators away from children and other vulnerable people.

We teach children that private parts should be protected parts, not just because them being seen or touched without the capacity to consent produces temporary physical trauma—but more so because them being seen or touched without the capacity to consent creates lasting emotional and psychological trauma. We teach children that private parts should remain private because we as adults understand that private parts are incredibly vulnerable parts of our bodies—and if they are exposed or taken advantage of, we run the risk of being killed—either literally or psychologically.

For some reason, once people hit a certain age, we no longer view our private parts as vulnerable parts. Well, maybe we still do—physically—and this is why men in contact sports often wear cups. But mentally and emotionally, many of us men no longer see our private parts as vulnerable and, in my opinion, this is a mistake and a major reason why it's so easy for so many men to have sex casually.

For many men, the penis becomes a weapon. Instead of it being a conduit that we can use to deeply and intimately connect with someone we care about, it becomes a tool of conquest and domination. Because of this, we often hurt people, even when we have consent, because we treat a vulnerable part of their body as if it's just some inert piece of meat that we can stab at without consequences.

Regardless of how old we are and regardless of which parts we have, our private parts are always an emotionally vulnerable area and I think we discount just how much we hurt ourselves—and just how hurt we must be within ourselves in order to treat these vulnerable areas so casually.

I've Always Had a PhD—A Pretty Huge... Dissonance between my heart and my ego

At one point, casual sex was one of the most important parts of my life. And it wasn't just because sex is one of, if not the most physically pleasurable experiences a person can have, but also because being so desired by a woman that she'd give me her body without any sort of commitment in return was such an ego boost that the bulk of my confidence, and a large part of my identity, was rooted in it. So much so that for most of my sexually active teen years and early twenties, I had a rule that I would never go more than a year without having sex and whenever I came close to approaching that threshold, my self-esteem would plummet.

I used to be one of those people who would die on the hill that it was entirely possible to have sex without feelings because I thought that I did. In reality, I never had sex without feelings but often when I would have casual sex, the feelings would be delayed until after the deed was done. And after the deed was the done, the feelings that I would feel were not attachment, connection, or intimacy but rather shame and disgust—not with my partner—but with myself.

These feelings were always so confusing because on one hand, my ego was delighted to have added another notch to my bed post but on the other hand, something deeper within me was very uncomfortable with what I was doing and I know this to be true because usually after the hook-up was over, I wanted my playmate out of my sight as quickly as possible. Because, deep down, I knew that I was using people and deep down, I knew that this was wrong. Not the sex itself but the manipulation, the exploitation of people's feelings, and the carelessness of how they might be affected by my nonchalant attitude towards them granting me access to a vulnerable part of themselves.

When my mom and I had the "sex talk" when I was 19, she tried to tell me that sex has a psychological, emotional, and spiritual impact on people but I couldn't hear her. I couldn't hear her because my heart was already closed at that point and I've since discovered that having a closed heart is, at least in part, what makes sex seem so casual. Conversely, having an open heart, being consciously aware of our feelings and compassion for the feelings of others, makes having casual sex a lot more difficult, in my experience. Which is why I personally haven’t been able to have casual sex since my mom’s death back in 2016 opened my heart—and why I'll likely never have casual sex again.

I still have a persistent ego but it's no longer as big as it once was and it's no longer rooted in being able to dominate or get pleasure from others. I no longer have an interest in using women as my personal sex dolls—as nothing more than a vessel through which I can pleasure myself—because my heart opening has allowed me to see that objectification, while sometimes enjoyable, is ultimately dehumanizing. And since gaining the awareness that we are all One, I've discovered that to dehumanize another is to dehumanize myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it's impossible to enjoy sex without some kind of commitment. What I am saying is that I don't think it's possible to have sex without some sort of emotional vulnerability and those of who think we are, likely only think this because we’re closed off to, or otherwise in denial of, our own emotions. And being in denial of our own emotions carries consequences that often manifest in unexpected and unpredictable ways.

So even if you can have sex without some sort of commitment or emotional connection, you can't have sex without some sort of emotional consequence because our sex organs are deeply connected to our emotions—and it's for this reason specifically that I say that sex is never casual.

Desire is Blinding

If you’ve ever experienced the phenomenon known as post-nut clarity, then you’ve seen firsthand how desire distorts our perception and how when desire is gone, we can perceive things more clearly. Few desires are more distracting than sexual desire and this is precisely why sexual desire leads so many of us to make poor choices—choices that are so obviously poor only after the desire has subsided.

I think this is why the discussion around porn requires a lot more nuance than "porn is bad." By and large, I do think that porn is harmful because of how easy it is to become obsessively addicted to it and because of how it distorts our perception of people and leads us to objectifying them. On the other hand, I think porn and other sex work are beneficial to society in the way that it allows us to release our sexual tension without having to directly involve other people which undoubtedly helps reduce poor decisions that might otherwise lead to sex crimes. But, it's also not lost on me that so many people who are involved in sex-work are in it because they themselves are victims of sex crimes.

And this is yet another reason why I can no longer see sex as a casual thing. Because if it were, it wouldn't have such an influence on our lives that many of us dedicate hours of our lives to watching other people have sex. If sex were truly a casual thing, people wouldn’t risk jail time—or worse, permanent harm to themselves or others—just to get it. If sex were a casual thing, it wouldn't become such a large part of our identities that there are sub-cultures within society wholly centered around not being able to get sex.

Being so overtly sexual is really what damned Drake in his recent beef with Kendrick Lamar. Drake's whole persona is rooted in being a womanizer and he'd been caught fraternizing with women who were much younger than him many times which is why when Kendrick alleged that he is a pedophile, it was so easy for the masses to believe and get behind—whether it was true or not. Because Drake’s dependence on sexuality as part of his image ultimately positioned him to become a victim himself in a way that he could not have anticipated when he was bragging about the tingz he bags.

I'm so grateful that what happened for me, happened for me, because otherwise, I could have potentially found myself in a similar position as Drake. Not with young girls—because personally I don't find younger women mentally attractive enough to pursue sexually—but in the sense that the hyper sexuality that made up so much of my identity could have easily become the very thing that led to my demise.

To be honest, I haven't had sex with that many people. My body count is probably higher than the average person's but it's not nearly as high as it could be or as high as some of my peers. And I'm glad—not because body count matters objectively, but because for me personally, each person I had sex with without any sort of emotional connection represents a self-betrayal where I chose my ego over my soul. Where I defiled one of the most vulnerable and intimate experiences that two people can have with one another for a high that ended almost as quickly as it began. Where I discarded my mother's wisdom and, in doing so, hurt the feelings of other women in the same way that men had hurt my mom's feelings.

Sex, for me, is no longer casual because the same intimacy that I feared in my teens and early twenties that led me to treat sex like a plaything is the same intimacy that I now crave, respect, and will hold in the highest regard if I'm blessed to fully experience it with another person.

If I have my way, the next woman I have sex with will be the last woman I have sex with. Because what I want more than a nut or the novelty of exploring a new body is a connection that is so deep that sex could only ever be a celebration of it instead of the foundation of it.

With love,

Micheal Sinclair 💜